Children And Divorce:
The effects of
divorce on children
Divorce is a painful process for all those involved, children and parents alike. But during this stressful periods, the feelings, needs, and concerns of the children sometimes take a backseat to their parents’ anger and emotional trauma.
Parents must realize that they are still the most important people in their children’s lives and that the divorce has at least as much impact on the children as the parents.
Consider this:
Female children from divorced families are five times more likely and male children three times more likely to divorce than children from intact families. Adult children of a divorce have higher anxiety levels, have different dating and intimacy styles, are more fearful of commitment, seek psychotherapy more frequently, and have greater feelings of isolation, frustration, anger and self-blame. Adult children of a divorce tend to get married later in life and start their families later. They also tend to look to divorce as a solution to a bad marriage rater than using problem resolution skills.
A 10-year research project into the children of divorce revealed that the vent has a greater impact on children over 12 years of age. The study revealed that 68% of teenagers from divorced families engaged in some type of illegal or self-destructive activity-including alcohol or other drug use, theft, and traffic violations following the divorce. Their level of stress actually rose year after the divorce.
Children aged 5 to 8 report feelings of rejection and a fear of abandonment. Children aged 9 to 12 are apt to be angry with both parents. Many children in this age group have health problems-headaches and stomachaches- and many have difficulty socializing with other children. For all children, the emotional problems are greater if the children lose contact with one parent.
If a divorce is handled with the best interest of the child in mind, though, the child will be more resilient and will learn that difficult situations can be resolved in a caring, constructive manner.
Children’s feelings and divorce
Children are often frightened, confused, and threatened by the divorce. They sometimes believe they are responsible for their parent’s problems. They may also believe that they have caused the divorce and that by sacrificing themselves, they can bring their parents back together. They will often misinterpret the divorce and the actions surrounding it unless they are honestly told what is happening, how they are involved and not involved, and what is going to happen to them. If no informed in an honest, open manner, children will create their own answers to unspoken questions about the divorce-answers that can be much more frightening than the actual situation.
But with care and attention, children can be helped through this difficult conflict.
Helping a child through a divorce
During or following a divorce, you may not be getting along with your former spouse. But when it comes to the child, you need to work together for the child’s best interests.
- Don’t lie or cover up what’s happening to the family. The first rule is honesty.
- Don’t fight in front of the child.
- Don’t use the child to carry angry messages to the spouse.
- Don’t worry the child with ‘grown-up’ legal or financial problems.
- Don’t expect emotional support from the child; that’s a role for adults-friends, family members, or a therapist.
- Don’t pressure the child with adult roles such as “You’re the man of the house.”
Instead:
Assure the child that he or she will be taken care of. Prepare the child for the changes that will take place. Convince the child that the divorce wasn’t his or her fault.
Talk to the child. Help him or her work out feelings and perceptions about the divorce. Help the child to express feelings of rear or anger. Assure the child that relationships with other important adults in their lives will remain the same. Allow the child to mourn the loss of the family as it was before the divorce.
Getting help
While some children cope with the stress of divorce with the help of family and friends, others may benefit from the assistance of a professional counselor experienced in working with children of divorce. Some schools offer support groups for children of divorce here children with similar experiences meet under the guidance of a counselor to discuss their thoughts and feelings. Contact your child’s school counselor to learn what assistance is available. Help also may be available through your school district’s student assistance program or the employee assistance program where you work.
Above all, parents must continue to work toward the child’s best interest. Be alert to the warning signs of stress in the child that may be a consequence of the divorce:
- Lack of interest in friends or fun activities
- Sleeping too much or too little
- Excessive conflicts with family members
- Unusually rebellious behavior
- Lack of interest in school
If your child exhibits any of these warning signs, you may want to consult a professional. For information and guidance, contact your physician, the nearest mental health facility, or look under “Family Counselors” or “Mental Health Services” in the Yellow Pages of your telephone directory.