Improving Family Relations:
Elements of a healthy family
Families come in al shapes and sizes: single parent, blended families, multiracial, multicultural, families where the father is the primary caretaker, families where the mother is primary income source, domestic partnerships, or any number other combinations. In fact, it's nearly impossible to define a "normal " family. Regardless of their makeup, healthy strong families share certain attributes-attributes we can all use to improve the quality of our family life.
What makes a family strong and healthy? Togetherness, love, respect for individual differences and an ability to adjust positively to stress or change. How a family functions and how family members care for each other are much more important than the family takes.
What is a healthy family?
Healthy families share certain characteristics. They:
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Communicate. Open communication is essential. family discussions should be held as often as possible.
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Adapt. With life comes change, and the ability to adjust to change, handle stress in a positive manner and ask for help when it is needed is essential for a healthy family.
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Have clear responsibilities. Clearly designated but flexible responsibilities are very important. Let children know what is expected of them.
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Share time. Spending time together in a busy world is often difficult and overlooked, but it is crucial to your family's well being. Develop routines together, engage in family traditions and participate in frequent activities together.
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Share Spirituality. Helping others, developing and sharing a clear set of values or involving the family in a religious group enhances and emphasizes an important dimension in life.
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Are part of the community. Close relations with friends, neighbors, extended family members and the rest of the community give a sense of connectedness.
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Are committed to each other. Unconditional love for family members is a priceless gift. Healthy family members appreciate each individual's uniqueness and are committed to the family as a whole.
Communication, respect and acceptance are the building blocks of a healthy family. A healthy family also has clear limits, disciplines without using debilitating shame or guilt and maintains well-defined boundaries.
The "win-win" family
Every family has stressful periods or times of conflict. As with all human relationships, there are bound to be disagreements or times when not everybody feels happy with a situation. Families that learn to resolve conflicts in a positive, supportive manner can turn such challenges into an opportunity for growth and cooperation. Every family member can meet his or her needs without violating other family members' needs. This is called "win-win". It doesn't mean that there are no rules or that there is no discipline; it does mean that parents must be thoughtful rather than reactive, that parents must establish clear limits and clear, reasonable consequences for behavior, and that parents offer children choices that promote cooperation and positive decision-making.
Some things to remember
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Be consistent. Discuss with children which behaviors are acceptable and not acceptable and why, and clearly explain the consequences of inappropriate behaviors. Encourage open discussion of feelings, and once rules are clearly established, follow through on what has been established.
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Treat children with respect. Give your children the same respect you would give to another adult or would expect yourself. Would you expect another adult to scream at you for making a mistake or ridicule you for your behavior? The rule "so unto others" also applies to children. If you are angry, think before you speak , and try to give constructive advice rather than destructive criticism.
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Do away with double standards. Remember that your child learns from your behavior. If you expect your child to stay drug-free, for example, you must be drug-free. Take an honest assessment of your own behaviors and activities and make an effort to change those behaviors you wouldn't find acceptable in your children.
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Emphasize the positive. Try to find the good in what your child is doing, and build on the child's strengths. Children seek love approval. Communication in a positive manner can go a long way toward building a child's self-esteem.
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Be supportive. Approach a child problems with acceptance, support and validation. Work with the child cooperatively to find solutions to life's problems and the child will learn that he or she is a capable person who can cope with life's ups and downs.
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Set children up for success. Give children age-appropriate opportunities to choose, negotiate and learn to care for themselves. Avoid setting a child up for failure with unrealistic expectations.
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Establish clear boundaries. Manage a situation before the situation manages you. Know your limits, and openly address what makes you irritated or angry in a rational manner before you have reached "the end of your rope."
Growing in healthy ways
Everyone needs room to grow to make mistakes, to test limits and to be successful. Part of this process, for parents and children alike, is having the room to try, stumble, try again and succeed. A parent's job is to encourage this process in a way that says, "Yes, you are a capable person. I love you very much no matter what, and there are consequences-good and bad -for how you choose to behave. And I'm here to help you learn to make good decisions about life." This is nurturing behavior. Murmuring behavior means offering unconditional love-"I love you because you are you." It also means distinguishing between the person and the undesirable behavior, "I love you and we can work together to do things better" rather than "Why can't you just do it right?"
Another part of a parent's job is to develop and maintain structure. Children must know clearly the consequences of their inappropriate behavior, and parents nee to establish reasonable rules-and stick to them in a reasonable, rational way. One simple example might be a small child that is playing with a puppy too roughly. Rather than repeatedly telling the child to leave the dog alone, the parent might come over, pet the dog gently, and say to the child, "Pet the puppy gently. If you are too rough with him, he may bite you. And if you tease him, I"ll ask you to leave him alone." The important thing is for the parent to intervene in the undesirable activity before he or she has reached a limit on patience and acts in an unproductive manner (for instance, by yelling, 'Get away from that dog, or we'll get rid of it").
Time for yourself
Having healthy family relationships also means that you take time for yourself and know your own limits. Assess your schedule and try to set aside time for rest and healthy activities. Here are some suggestions:
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Set aside time for exercise.
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Plan for time alone with spouse or significant other. Get a babysitter if needed and go out, even if it's only for a few hours.
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Call for time put when you're under pressure. For example, say "I can't help you with that now. Let's do it at three o' clock."
If you feel you could use some help or simply would like more information to help you build healthy family relations, look under "family Services" or "Family counselors" in the Yellow Pages. In many areas, help is available through your school district's student assistance program or employee assistance program where you work.
Supportive manner can turn such challenges into an opportunity for growth and cooperation. Every family member can meet his or her needs without violating other family members' needs. This is called "win-win". It doesn't mean that there are no rules or that there is no discipline; it does mean that parents must be thoughtful rather than reactive, that parents must establish clear limits and clear, reasonable consequences for behavior, and that parent offer children choices that promote cooperation and positive decision-making.
Some things to remember
Be consistent. Discuss with children which behaviors are acceptable and not acceptable and why, and clearly explain the consequences of inappropriate behaviors. Encourage open discussion of feelings, and once rules are clearly established, follow through on what has been established.